In 1985 Morrissey and The Smiths unleashed the album and title track, Meat is Murder. (That song sucks so I picked The Headmaster Ritual instead.) I’m a fan of The Smiths but never saw things that way Morrissey does and when I saw this doe get needlessly whacked on the road by an 18-wheeler in front me, I couldn’t let it die in vain.
This old girl deserved a better death than getting plowed and tossed up under the I.C.C. bumper of the big rig. I don’t blame the trucker. There was nothing he could have done. She got trapped against a wire fence on the opposite side of the two-lane and panicked. The trucker couldn’t slow down. It would have been better had She been killed by a sharp broadheaded arrow by some hunter that spent all summer practicing his shooting for that very moment. Or, perhaps she could have been some 12-year-old kid’s first deer and would have become a cherished memory.
I pulled over and watched her writhe on the road in my rearview while oblivious and motorists proceeded to whiz by. Thankfully, she expired quickly and I hustled to drag her off the road and into the weeds. I knew right away what I needed to do. A quick trip to Walling Mart provided all needed in the form of a disposable Styrofoam cooler, a roll of freezer paper and a bag of ice.
I returned to the scene and using the only sharp instrument I had, a Gerber Multi-Plier tool, I removed the backstraps using the gutless method and placed them on a clean sheet of freezer paper.
The hindquarters were almost pulverized but I managed to remove both hams and shanks and slipped them into the cooler between layers of freezer paper and ice while traffic continued to pass by at a frantic pace. The traffic was oblivious to the guy hunched over in the weeds 20 feet off the fog line hacking away at the warm meat.
Upon returning home, I washed the weeds and gravel off the exposed meat and de-boned the hams. They went into a stainless steel pot to drain while I removed the silver skin from the backstraps.
This deer did not die in vain. It will be put to good use. Even Morrissey would approve.